Pacer Test banned for child cruelty

CHANGSHAN, CH – A controversial fitness test has been banned from all schools in Neomongolia today after an executive order by President Chinkus. The test has been subject to a ton of blast after becoming a viral sensation online. Many coming forth saying that the test has damaged their psyche, giving them PTSD.

Teachers have said the test is a burden to the school curriculum and many have dropped the test altogether from their PE classes before the ban. Citing student health as being the main concern of the test. As many as six hospitalizations were linked to the application of the test in schools.

 

Schools will be forced to remove the test from their curriculum by March 5th, or they will be fined 250,000 Neomongolian dollars.

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NNN HQ raided by SWAT Team after SJW takeover

CHANGSHAN, CH – Social Justice Warriors ran rampant for nearly a week as they cordoned off the NNN News Building from the city. Their motives were unclear, but sources speculate they were angered by the “sexist, white photocopy machines” which are located throughout the building. This standoff lasted an incredibly long time, as they had two protesters sit outside the building’s entrances. This was a challenge for police as these demonstrators each weighed about 500 pounds.

SWAT Teams were forced to intervene after a grueling negotiation process failed, leading to three injuries and numerous arrests. The hostages, who were shaken but unharmed, were treated by crisis therapists that arrived on scene. Changshan Police were unable to approach the SJWs without proper equipment.

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SWAT Teams being mobilized near the NNN HQ building Friday morning.

“We can’t stand for this problematic scenario” Beth McIntyre, a demonstrator in the lobby said, “The fact those machines were white and intimidating to women who work in the building is an issue that needs to be faced.”

McIntyre was later seen being loaded into an ambulance after taking a pepper spray can straight to her genital region. Many other SJWs were seen kicking and screaming when getting loaded into police vans. The scene was a mess when officers arrived. Including urine, period blood, and other bodily fluids that were strewn all over the offices in the building. It was said that 40 million dollars in damages were done machinery inside. NNN will return to full operations soon.

 

 

One of them threw bloodstained underwear at me. I think I have PTSD. 

SoFloAntonio arrested at customs for grand theft

CHANGSHAN, CH – Controversial internet sensation SoFloAntonio was arrested today during customs at Changshan International Airport for grand theft. Antonio has been banned from entering the Republic of Neomongolia since late 2015. Immigration officials have stated he was detained initially for illegally entering the country, and would have been sent on the next flight back to Los Angeles. But a pat-down search and quick look through his baggage allowed an arrest to be made.

Immigration Enforcement seized over 65,000 dollars in cash that was reportedly made off of licensing prank videos, vines, and reuploaded viral content. Officials also seized two USB drives, one SD card, and three Apple devices. All of which contained gigabytes of stolen content, thousands of videos which he reportedly watched ’17 times’, and Skype conversations where threatened to sue people who commentated about his actions.

SoFloAntonio has been subject to a lot of controversy online, mainly due to stealing videos from other content creators and reuploading them. Usually garnering 500% more

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SoFloAntonio (Pictured) after being arrested at CSIA

 

views than the original videos. Antonio has also made numerous prank videos where he is involved in sexual encounters with women he sees in public. Most of the pranks on his channel, however, are reuploaded. When approached by NNN about this, he merely responded with “pranks are licensed under my name, it’s my trademark and I can make money off of it. It’s a partnership”

Antonio is currently at the Changshan County Jail, where he is being held without bond. YouTuber and comedian Ethan Klein will be a key witness in the case as it moves forward. If convicted, Antonio can face up to 17 years in prison.

 

 

Anime convention problem unsolved, city evacuated

FLATCREST, PR – Health officials were left baffled today after their plan to allow Weeacon 2016 to continue after severe violations of the department’s body odor policy backfired on them. They initially believed that moving the 7,800 anime fans to relocate to a different venue, which allowed them to continue their convention would be beneficial to solving the odor problem. But, they found out the hard way that it only made it worse.

The Flatcrest Convention Center was playing a key role in keeping the sweat pocket, which contained 10,000% more bacteria than the maximum allowed, from going awry. After moving Weeacon to the local baseball field, a rave started, which created a new sweat pocket even bigger than the one in the convention center leading to severe consequences.

The city of Flatcrest was evacuated as the air in three districts became too toxic to breathe, FPD say. It was reported that about 1,000 people were hospitalized as a result.

 

No convention goers were harmed as they were oblivious to their own odor. However, they were quarantined and made to shower. Weeacon 2017 will be held on a secluded island in the North Pacific Ocean to prevent any other human lives from being endangered by their scent.

Jeb Bush placed on suicide watch ahead of N.H. primary

CONCORD, NH – Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush was seen being checked into a local psychiatric hospital earlier today ahead of the first primary of the 2016 United States election season. This unexpected turn of events was triggered by Bush’s paranoia of his guaranteed defeat at the primaries tonight, which would probably be the swan song to his campaign, that officially played in an embarrassing rally.

Even though the swan song played long before the “please clap” incident, just don’t tell him that, you’ll trigger his already crippling depression.

Bush was said to have been placed on suicide watch as his campaign is derailed by other Republican candidates. Nurses have told NNN that he was last seen in a hospital room chanting “Jeb Bush 2020! 2024! 2028? 2032…” while crying into a Guaca-Bowle.

His campaign spokesperson declined to comment about the situation.

Dr. Phuc to attend BronyCon 2016?

CHANGSHAN, CH – Rumors in the inner workings of leadership in Neomongolia are suggesting that Neomongolian Premier Dr. Phuc will be attending BronyCon this year in Baltimore, MD, which takes place on July 8th through 10th of this year. His attendance is scheduled for a taping of his new show Dr. Phuc Philes, an analytic series diving into current pop culture issues and topics. The show has yet to premiere, but will within the coming weeks.

Phuc’s brother, Chinkus, may also attend. But his view on Bronies are speculated by the public to be unfavorable. Considering he went into a drunken rage at a Brony convention in Neomongolia last May.

Security will not be beefed up at the convention if Dr. Phuc attends as he is nothing to this country compared to his brother. Dr Phuc has yet to confirm these rumors.

Chinese smog crisis solved after vape shop raids

SHANGHAI, CHINA – For the past several years, China has been struck with the effects of major smog that leaves citizens gasping for air every time they leave their homes. Many people are harshly critical of the CCP’s mismanagement of the pollution crisis. This was never the case. After a thorough analysis of air in Beijing, Shanghai, and Shenzen, the culprit was finally discovered.

The air contains the vapor from electronic cigarettes, used in “vaping”. Which has become surprisingly popular among Chinese youth, who mainly prefer the old fashioned way of destroying their lungs, cigarettes

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Chinese youth vaping in a park in Shanghai

 

 

The Chinese government swiftly took action and closed every vape shop in the country after a massive police raid. The results of which were unparalleled to anything else ever seen by the human populace. Changshan fixed its smog problem by banning vaping in city limits in 2013, and China has followed through with the same plan.

The skies were blue in Beijing and for the first time in years, visibility is above 25 miles. Chinese citizens can rejoice knowing they can finally go out and breathe the air without having to suck in some hipster’s garbage juice. Chinese health official Bo Yang said, “This is truly a step in the right direction. Without vape, we will have clean air for future generations to breathe.”

Vaping was also blamed for the country’s toxic water, which came after people dumped old vape juice into bodies of water throughout the nation.

Anime convention shut down after violating Health Dept.’s body odor policy

FLATCREST, PR – Anime fans in Neomongolia were saddened today as their annual gathering Weeacon 2016 was shut down by health officials, who cited numerous health hazards with the convention. Including a severe violation of the department’s body odor policy.

“This is an outrage! BAKA!” a man going by Rinu-San told us, as he performed an anime move from some show that we did not look into.

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Hazmat crews monitor B.O. levels in the air before declaring the convention center safe.

Local police have received numerous reports of disturbances caused by convention goers, but none ever warranted a complete shutdown of the gathering itself, since most of them were harassment calls involving adult male attendees groping teenage Asian girls that walked past. However, a sweat pocket in the 2nd floor of Flatcrest Convention Center caused federal authorities to step in.

The 7,800 attendees, who called themselves “Otakus”, were left outraged afterward. Many complaining about racism against Japanese people, which was greatly ironic because 87% of the attendees were white.

 

The convention center was quarantined by a local hazmat crew and will be restored to full operations by Tuesday afternoon.

Weeacon will be relocated to an open roof venue for adequate ventilation, even though the cold winter air will make the last two days of the con an unpleasant experience.

 

 

Having been snubbed of Super Bowl solo, Baba makes debut as backup dancer

SANTA CLARA, CA – In a shocking turn of events, Turkish superstar Koksal Baba has been snubbed of his solo performance at the Super Bowl 50 halftime show. Which lead to outrage among fans eagerly watching the game via telecast in Istanbul. This anticipation was met with sheer disappointment as Coldplay, Beyonce, and Bruno Mars were playing instead of him.

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Koksal Baba (circled) dancing alongside Coldplay at the Super Bowl 50 halftime show

Baba, however, wasn’t completely shelved from performing. A fan with a key eye from Flatcrest spotted him in the Coldplay performance as a backup dancer. Which was met with rejoice by Turkish fans, who spotted him after clearing the fog in their eyes from being up so late. Baba was seen dancing off beat alongside perfectly dressed women who accompanied the lip-synced songs. Even with Baba’s mismatched attire, he was hard to spot due to how small he is.

After the show, Baba reportedly started a fight with Coldplay lead Chris Martin and Bruno Mars, who he stood eye to eye with.

ISRO Outraged after Neomongolia launches FUIDM I

MUMBAI, INDIA- India’s space program, ISRO, was both shocked and angered today after learning about the launch of Neomongolian space probe FUIDM. FUIDM was said to carry a robot and parts to assemble a functioning toilet on the moon. The probe was launched shortly after hearing of India’s POOMOONII probe, which was launched Friday evening and has yet to reach lunar orbit. When asked to comment, ISRO officials merely responded with a distraught “Ah -expletive- you, India #1 world superpower, Cost less than Gravity movie.”

 

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Concept art of the probe

 

FUIDM will be using state-of-the-art solar sails to reach Lunar orbit in only 28 hours. From there, they will deploy the toilet parts and robot to the projected landing of POOMOONII.

 

 

India has launched a counter rocket, but it crashed into the Indian Ocean.

 

FUIDM costed less than Gravity, by a long shot.