PLYMOUTH, UK – A 17-year-old teen, who asked not be named, is on edge today after his country voted to leave the European Union in a historic referendum. Angrily posting memes that agree with his friends, who have stated that leaving the EU would be a terrible thing. Rather than picking a side via research, his political opinion on the matter was strongly influenced by millennial Twitter users, who strongly supported the ‘remain’ side.
“They’re all racist,” the teen tweeted out, “we should stay in the EU so we can reap the economic benefits of it. Fucking old ppl don’t know shit.”
Ironically, he was too young to vote during the election, which makes his complaints about the outcome null and void.
DENVER, CO – After a devastating loss to Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries, Bernie Sanders supporters have been left scattered. Some are choosing to vote for Donald Trump in order to prevent a Clinton presidency, some have decided to stay on the left lane and vote Clinton, some even decided not to vote. However, there are some who are being pulled toward third party candidates like Jill Stein and Gary Johnson. Many are choosing Jill Stein, where long time supporters of her and the Green Party welcome them with open arms.
Among these supporters is Samuel Freeman, a 37-year-old coffee shop barista from Denver, who is quite pleased with the influx of downtrodden Sanders supporters. Freeman, who has supported Stein for the past 12 years, sees this as their golden opportunity.
“She could finally get on the polls,” Freeman told NNN enthusiastically, “which means she has a chance of winning this election.”
Freeman has always had his hopes up that Jill Stein will get the staggering 5% approval rating in the polls needed for her to get any traction in the campaign. However, this has not happened in the past election cycles where Jill Stein has tried (and failed) to run for president.
Optimism is truly the only thing left on Freeman’s side in this rocky election cycle. As Stein’s chances of becoming President of the United States has remained relatively the same, slim to none.
BURLINGTON, VT – After being defeated in the final Super Tuesday primaries of the season, Bernie Sanders has accepted that he lost his chance at seizing the Democratic election, and returned to the Twin Rivers Manor in Southern Burlington. Much to the disappointment of his followers, who complained on Twitter about his loss rather than actually voting for him.
“It just feels good to relax.” Sanders says as he sips on a cup of tea and reads the morning paper for the first time in months. Sanders has not been in the facility since he started his campaign back in April 2015, concerning staff.
“He’s pretty senile and that’s pretty evident based off his campaign.” Henry Wellington, director of the manor stated, “all the free stuff policies and stuff. He’s trying to relive his hippy days in college.”
Sanders got beaten hard in Super Tuesday, with a not so surprising defeat at the hands of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in several states, including the crucial California. Post-race plans for the elderly senator are uncertain, but it is likely to include sitting by a pond playing chess with other retirees for the remainder of his life.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was admitted into a Indianapolis psychiatric facility today after a devastating loss to Donald Trump in the Indiana primaries. Sources say that Ted Cruz went into a catatonic state after delivering his farewell address, reading passages from the book of Revelation and dousing himself in maple syrup. Paramedics were called to his tour bus and rushed him to Indianapolis Psychiatric Hospital. Coincidentally, he was placed in the same room as Jeb Bush, who is undergoing long term care for PTSD after his failed campaign. Bush was transferred to the facility in mid-April after doctors in South Carolina could not handle his rambling.
The two men reportedly got along quite well, doctors are telling us that Ted Cruz has been stabilized and is now discussing how to take down the ‘big mean Trump man’ with Jeb Bush. Bush, who is due for release in August, is considering running for president alongside Ted Cruz in the near future.
Jeb Bush was placed on suicide watch in February, and has been in care ever since. Doctor Michael Franco, a psychiatrist at the facility says that Cruz was the best thing to happen to Bush.
“He’s been mumbling to himself all the time before we took on our new patient,” Franco said, “Sometimes delivering speeches and begging a non-existent audience to clap for him. We don’t know if it’s a PTSD flashback or early stage schizophrenia, but we are currently running tests.”
There is no word on when Cruz will be released, but doctors say it could be several months to a year.
SEATTLE, WA – Surprise and shock swept over the state of Washington this afternoon as Bernie Sanders wins the state’s primary by a 3/1 ratio over Hillary Clinton.
There is actually no surprise there.
Bernie Sanders appeals to the crowd of Washington residents who prefer to stay away from the mainstream candidates, and usually choose who to vote for by “how dank their memes are”. It is no surprise a state that is full of people who believe that the Bernie Sanders meme groups are humorous would chose him in the primaries.
The real surprise here is that hipsters, millennials, and other internet supporters actually turned out to vote at all. Rather than sitting at home typing multi-page rants on how Democratic Socialism and European-style governance will save the United States and how Donald Trump is an evil Nazi who will kill Mexicans, they voted. They actually left the comfort of their studio apartment, rode a bicycle to the nearest polling place, waited in line, and cast a vote.
SEATTLE, WA- Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders is feeling the Bern today as his core demographic may not turn out for him during the essential Washington state primaries. Sanders supporters, mostly college students, are currently on spring break. Which means they will be out of state and likely getting too drunk or high in Florida to care about politics at all.
That doesn’t mean Bernie Sanders is losing any millennial supporters, we caught up with a partygoer in Miami who was quite stunned that he couldn’t vote for Bernie in his state’s primary while being out of state.
“What do you mean I can’t vote in the primary? I’m from Everett, born and raised!” The confused student, who asked not to be named told us “I could vote for him here in Florida!”
Florida has already had its primaries, which Clinton already won.
The remaining Sanders supporters in Washington decided not to vote as they stick to the belief that all elections are rigged.
MIAMI, FL – Republican presidential candidate and computer program Marco Rubio has officially stopped working after his defeat in Florida. This wasn’t surprising as cracks in his operating system were showing at a Republican presidential debate earlier this year when he kept repeating himself concerning President Obama. The presidential candidate has officially suspended his campaign, proving once again that computer programs are far away from taking over Humanity.
It is unknown if the robot will be programmed to endorse Donald Trump after his loss in Florida. When asked about his endorsement at a press release, Rubio responded by blue screening and going into an infinite boot loop.
The failing Android is set to be taken to New Jersey to be dismantled and smelted by Chris Christie. Donald Trump insists that the robot’s developers were “low energy” and “total losers” before winning Florida by a landslide.
SAN JOSE, CA – Running low on ideas an aspiring journalist, Michael Schuster, decided to write an op-ed piece expressing his distaste for the viewpoints and success of Republican front-runner Donald Trump. However, his twelve paragraph rant on the man’s remarks and antics couldn’t drive home his point enough. So he enlisted the help of a screenshot from a Trump rally, in which the man makes a humorous looking face.
“That’ll show him,” Schuster whispered under his breath as he attached the file to his WordPress account, “his campaign will be in bits when I post this one.”
Schuster’s article, titledTrump is a Racist and So Are You, was posted onto his BuzzFeed community account early this morning following Trump’s sweep of 7 states in the Super Tuesday primaries. The Berkeley graduate was quick on the story, as he finished his article on a 2013 MacBook Pro decorated with a Bernie Sanders sticker in a record time of 51 minutes. This time was accounted to his repeated ad hominem attacks and, you guessed it, funny, smug images of the candidate screenshotted from his appearances.
BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders was saddened today after failing miserably at Super Tuesday. Sanders was seen entering his 1968 VW Minibus and hitting the road after vomiting profusely behind the arena.
Sanders was said to have gotten 2nd place in the Super Tuesday Taco Smackdown, but failed to defeat “Giant” Gino Gonzalez, Who ate a record 140 tacos in the span of 7 minutes.
As for the political Super Tuesday. Yeah, he lost that too.
VERMONT, USA – Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is set to dominate Super Tuesday this week. As the socialist candidate prepares for the biggest moment of his political career, no scratch that, his life. Sanders has prepared for years to take all competition down and cement his legacy.
Sanders is set to compete in the Super Tuesday Taco Smackdown, which takes place at the Gutterson Fieldhouse in Burlington, Vermont in front of around 4,500 enthusiastic attendees. The Taco eating contest is something that Sanders has trained for since 2008. After a humiliating loss at the 5th annual event in 2006. He has been eating 50 tacos a day for the past year in his final stage of training. However, he credits kale and some supplements to being the key of keeping his metabolism in check.
“I will do better this time,” Sanders said, “I have prepared for years. I can now eat 500 tacos in 10 minutes.”
The winner of the 10 minute contest will receive 50,000 dollars as well as praise for being a gluttonous pig.
As for the political Super Tuesday, Sanders is likely going to lose to Hillary Clinton during the Democratic Primaries this evening.
Let’s all hope Bernie can score the win and be Vermont’s hometown king of gluttony.