EVEREST, NT – A small town is reeling from a tragic drunk driving accident that left a high school senior, Thomas Wadsworth, dead. With many people mourning the loss of a ‘bright student’ and ‘star athlete’. His family and girlfriend mourn the loss of what they said was a caring, happy, and generous person, and that is the only thing the local news showed.

However, many people are doing quite the opposite. Expressing conflicted feelings about the teen’s death due to the fact he was a dick when he was alive.

“I feel for his family and all,” a classmate told NNN today, “But that piece of shit stole 20 dollars from me to buy booze.”

“I don’t care how he died that guy hacked my PSN and stole my DLC.” another classmate told us. “He can burn in hell for that man.”

Many people are now scared to speak out on the dirt they have on Wadsworth, questioning their moral standing on it, considering he died in a horrific car accident. Which was caused by an intoxicated man that jumped the median on Neomongolian Federal Highway 223 around 8pm Wednesday. The driver was going close to 120 kilometers per hour when he collided head-on with Wadsworth’s vehicle. Who was transported via LifeFlight to Changshan General Hospital, where he died 4 hours later.

HAWTHORNE, CH – Disgruntled fast wood workers were upset over their wages today after receiving their monthly paychecks. This comes after the same employees of a local burger joint believed a prank call which made them destroy half the windows of the building.

“It’s an outrage that we don’t get a decent living wage of 15, 16 dollars an hour,” Lindsay Simmons, assistant fry cook said, “I have to deal with rent and putting food on the table.”

However, she has proven that her worthiness in the work field is lower than the delegate counts of Bernie Sanders after smashing several windows on May 29th. At around 11 in the evening that night, a person phoned in claiming to be “Corporate” saying that “Our safety systems have detected a high amount of methane in the kitchen” and that the employees should “use tools to break the windows.”

Ms. Simmons, who took the call, reportedly picked up a chair and hit a window, ordering others to do the same. The owner of the restaurant has declined to comment, but damages are estimated to be around 12,000 dollars.

The business is locally owned, with 3 locations and no corporate offices. Police are looking for the prank caller, but have not had any leads.

HAWTHRONE, CH – Confusion turned to chaos yesterday as a local furry found in his parents’ basement was brought to a veterinarian and euthanized.  However, it was not intentional. Gabriel Hernandez, a 56 year old man, was clearing out his basement around 4:00pm Tuesday afternoon when he found a large creature with matted fur and urine/feces on its body. Thinking that he discovered an ill mastiff that had somehow gotten into his residence, Hernandez called animal control.

When animal control arrived, they transported the slovenly fursuiter to Hawthorne Veterinary Urgent Care, still under the assumption that they were transporting a 6-foot-1, 190 pound mastiff to its death. When they arrived, a vet examined the furry and found fleas, a UTI, rashes, and matted fur. He was in such terrible shape that they decided to put the poor creature down.

“We didn’t have any idea that it was some guy in a costume,” the vet said, “everything went by the book and he died a humane, peaceful death.”

Joshua Hernandez, aged 19, was revealed to be the man underneath the costume, which was removed during the autopsy. Leaving medical staff and the man’s parents at a loss for words. Police have opened an investigation but charges are unlikely to be filed as it was a ‘sincere mistake’ or a ‘freak accident’.

Furry forums worldwide are yet to hear about this, but when they do, I’m pretty sure there will be riots angry posts in all caps.

CHANGSHAN, CH – A controversial fitness test has been banned from all schools in Neomongolia today after an executive order by President Chinkus. The test has been subject to a ton of blast after becoming a viral sensation online. Many coming forth saying that the test has damaged their psyche, giving them PTSD.

Teachers have said the test is a burden to the school curriculum and many have dropped the test altogether from their PE classes before the ban. Citing student health as being the main concern of the test. As many as six hospitalizations were linked to the application of the test in schools.

Schools will be forced to remove the test from their curriculum by March 5th, or they will be fined 250,000 Neomongolian dollars.