EVEREST, NT – A small town is reeling from a tragic drunk driving accident that left a high school senior, Thomas Wadsworth, dead. With many people mourning the loss of a ‘bright student’ and ‘star athlete’. His family and girlfriend mourn the loss of what they said was a caring, happy, and generous person, and that is the only thing the local news showed.
However, many people are doing quite the opposite. Expressing conflicted feelings about the teen’s death due to the fact he was a dick when he was alive.
“I feel for his family and all,” a classmate told NNN today, “But that piece of shit stole 20 dollars from me to buy booze.”
“I don’t care how he died that guy hacked my PSN and stole my DLC.” another classmate told us. “He can burn in hell for that man.”
Many people are now scared to speak out on the dirt they have on Wadsworth, questioning their moral standing on it, considering he died in a horrific car accident. Which was caused by an intoxicated man that jumped the median on Neomongolian Federal Highway 223 around 8pm Wednesday. The driver was going close to 120 kilometers per hour when he collided head-on with Wadsworth’s vehicle. Who was transported via LifeFlight to Changshan General Hospital, where he died 4 hours later.
BURLINGTON, VT – After being defeated in the final Super Tuesday primaries of the season, Bernie Sanders has accepted that he lost his chance at seizing the Democratic election, and returned to the Twin Rivers Manor in Southern Burlington. Much to the disappointment of his followers, who complained on Twitter about his loss rather than actually voting for him.
“It just feels good to relax.” Sanders says as he sips on a cup of tea and reads the morning paper for the first time in months. Sanders has not been in the facility since he started his campaign back in April 2015, concerning staff.
“He’s pretty senile and that’s pretty evident based off his campaign.” Henry Wellington, director of the manor stated, “all the free stuff policies and stuff. He’s trying to relive his hippy days in college.”
Sanders got beaten hard in Super Tuesday, with a not so surprising defeat at the hands of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in several states, including the crucial California. Post-race plans for the elderly senator are uncertain, but it is likely to include sitting by a pond playing chess with other retirees for the remainder of his life.
BALTIMORE, MD– City officials have had a field day today looking for ways to handle the massive convention for fans of the show “My Little Pony”, which is going to be held in the city’s convention center next month. Citing many issues with conventions of the type, such as the anime convention that was shut down over body odor in Flatcrest. The summer heat and humidity of Baltimore has strengthened this concern.
“We get 90 degree days on average this time of year, and it’s usually very humid.” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake stated in a press conference today, “we will make sure that the sweat released from this convention does not pose a threat to public safety.”
Air conditioning companies are planning on using a state-of-the-art, experimental system in the convention center called ‘PERSPICOOL’, which uses evaporating sweat to power the A/C. This will hopefully keep the sweat from causing any safety risks in the convention center.
Baltimore police will be handing out deodorant and those who refuse to apply a deodorant or antiperspirant will be fined 500 dollars. The city will try to prevent a catastrophe for residents of Baltimore and convention attendees alike.
HAWTHORNE, CH – Disgruntled fast wood workers were upset over their wages today after receiving their monthly paychecks. This comes after the same employees of a local burger joint believed a prank call which made them destroy half the windows of the building.
“It’s an outrage that we don’t get a decent living wage of 15, 16 dollars an hour,” Lindsay Simmons, assistant fry cook said, “I have to deal with rent and putting food on the table.”
However, she has proven that her worthiness in the work field is lower than the delegate counts of Bernie Sanders after smashing several windows on May 29th. At around 11 in the evening that night, a person phoned in claiming to be “Corporate” saying that “Our safety systems have detected a high amount of methane in the kitchen” and that the employees should “use tools to break the windows.”
Ms. Simmons, who took the call, reportedly picked up a chair and hit a window, ordering others to do the same. The owner of the restaurant has declined to comment, but damages are estimated to be around 12,000 dollars.
The business is locally owned, with 3 locations and no corporate offices. Police are looking for the prank caller, but have not had any leads.
HAWTHRONE, CH – Confusion turned to chaos yesterday as a local furry found in his parents’ basement was brought to a veterinarian and euthanized. However, it was not intentional. Gabriel Hernandez, a 56 year old man, was clearing out his basement around 4:00pm Tuesday afternoon when he found a large creature with matted fur and urine/feces on its body. Thinking that he discovered an ill mastiff that had somehow gotten into his residence, Hernandez called animal control.
When animal control arrived, they transported the slovenly fursuiter to Hawthorne Veterinary Urgent Care, still under the assumption that they were transporting a 6-foot-1, 190 pound mastiff to its death. When they arrived, a vet examined the furry and found fleas, a UTI, rashes, and matted fur. He was in such terrible shape that they decided to put the poor creature down.
“We didn’t have any idea that it was some guy in a costume,” the vet said, “everything went by the book and he died a humane, peaceful death.”
Joshua Hernandez, aged 19, was revealed to be the man underneath the costume, which was removed during the autopsy. Leaving medical staff and the man’s parents at a loss for words. Police have opened an investigation but charges are unlikely to be filed as it was a ‘sincere mistake’ or a ‘freak accident’.
Furry forums worldwide are yet to hear about this, but when they do, I’m pretty sure there will be riots angry posts in all caps.
SEATTLE, WA – Surprise and shock swept over the state of Washington this afternoon as Bernie Sanders wins the state’s primary by a 3/1 ratio over Hillary Clinton.
There is actually no surprise there.
Bernie Sanders appeals to the crowd of Washington residents who prefer to stay away from the mainstream candidates, and usually choose who to vote for by “how dank their memes are”. It is no surprise a state that is full of people who believe that the Bernie Sanders meme groups are humorous would chose him in the primaries.
The real surprise here is that hipsters, millennials, and other internet supporters actually turned out to vote at all. Rather than sitting at home typing multi-page rants on how Democratic Socialism and European-style governance will save the United States and how Donald Trump is an evil Nazi who will kill Mexicans, they voted. They actually left the comfort of their studio apartment, rode a bicycle to the nearest polling place, waited in line, and cast a vote.
SEATTLE, WA- Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders is feeling the Bern today as his core demographic may not turn out for him during the essential Washington state primaries. Sanders supporters, mostly college students, are currently on spring break. Which means they will be out of state and likely getting too drunk or high in Florida to care about politics at all.
That doesn’t mean Bernie Sanders is losing any millennial supporters, we caught up with a partygoer in Miami who was quite stunned that he couldn’t vote for Bernie in his state’s primary while being out of state.
“What do you mean I can’t vote in the primary? I’m from Everett, born and raised!” The confused student, who asked not to be named told us “I could vote for him here in Florida!”
Florida has already had its primaries, which Clinton already won.
The remaining Sanders supporters in Washington decided not to vote as they stick to the belief that all elections are rigged.
PORTLAND, OR – A midnight premiere of the Disney movie Zootopia went horribly awry at an AMC 24 Cinema in suburban Portland as a furry orgy broke out in the auditorium halfway through the screening of the film. Leading to a widespread panic for moviegoers that were there to see the film and have a fun night out. Initial 911 calls reported ‘high-pitched howling’ erupting from the upper half of the room, but the disruption made its way throughout the theater.
The furries were forced into a mating ritual when the two anthropomorphic
animals on screen embraced, triggering chemicals in their brain to start the orgy. It was reported that as many as 50 people were in the orgy. Ranging from naked individuals to people dressed in fursuits. It was said that the combined body odor and seminal fluids was enough to force police to respond with a hazardous materials crew.
Paramedics transported three people to the hospital for shock and contact with bodily fluids. While 23 furries were arrested and booked for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. AMC 24 remains closed as crews attempt to clean up the mess made by the incident. Zootopia will be screened at nearby cinemas normally. Neomongolian authorities have beefed up security at all cinemas in the country and are barring furries from entering them.
BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders was saddened today after failing miserably at Super Tuesday. Sanders was seen entering his 1968 VW Minibus and hitting the road after vomiting profusely behind the arena.
Sanders was said to have gotten 2nd place in the Super Tuesday Taco Smackdown, but failed to defeat “Giant” Gino Gonzalez, Who ate a record 140 tacos in the span of 7 minutes.
As for the political Super Tuesday. Yeah, he lost that too.
CHANGSHAN, CH – A controversial fitness test has been banned from all schools in Neomongolia today after an executive order by President Chinkus. The test has been subject to a ton of blast after becoming a viral sensation online. Many coming forth saying that the test has damaged their psyche, giving them PTSD.
Teachers have said the test is a burden to the school curriculum and many have dropped the test altogether from their PE classes before the ban. Citing student health as being the main concern of the test. As many as six hospitalizations were linked to the application of the test in schools.
Schools will be forced to remove the test from their curriculum by March 5th, or they will be fined 250,000 Neomongolian dollars.