BALTIMORE, MD– City officials have had a field day today looking for ways to handle the massive convention for fans of the show “My Little Pony”, which is going to be held in the city’s convention center next month. Citing many issues with conventions of the type, such as the anime convention that was shut down over body odor in Flatcrest. The summer heat and humidity of Baltimore has strengthened this concern.
“We get 90 degree days on average this time of year, and it’s usually very humid.” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake stated in a press conference today, “we will make sure that the sweat released from this convention does not pose a threat to public safety.”
Air conditioning companies are planning on using a state-of-the-art, experimental system in the convention center called ‘PERSPICOOL’, which uses evaporating sweat to power the A/C. This will hopefully keep the sweat from causing any safety risks in the convention center.
Baltimore police will be handing out deodorant and those who refuse to apply a deodorant or antiperspirant will be fined 500 dollars. The city will try to prevent a catastrophe for residents of Baltimore and convention attendees alike.
CHANGSHAN, NM – A local man has been having a lot of laughs today as his favorite holiday is celebrated. 62 year old Robert Sterling thinks that he’s a pretty good comedian and that all of his jokes are original and practical. Last year, he managed to get several of his friends by “Rick Rolling” them.
This year, he’s going to prank his friends at Meadow Falls Retirement Center by sending them an email with a link to a news article concerning Michael Jackson’s death.
“They’re gonna be so shocked. I think a couple of them are gonna have a heart attack!” An enthusiastic Sterling told NNN. “Don’t blame me though! -laughs-”
We couldn’t break the news that Michael Jackson died for real in 2009. I guess the internet isn’t for an old egg like him.
HAWTHORNE, CH – Die-hard anime fan Tod McCullough has had a very rough day today as his date with a Japanese girl he met online did not live up to the standards that were set for him by his favorite fictional characters. McCullough met the 22 year-old Japanese exchange student on the online dating service Tinder. They conversed for a few short minutes before the man became visibly upset and left the coffee shop where the two agreed to meet up.
“I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, she didn’t look anything like my waifus. None of them. She didn’t have any tits, no ass, nothing.” a distraught McCullough bellowed in front of a camcorder to his 56 YouTube followers. “I thought all Japanese girls would be willing and open to my advances of sexual favors. I’ve watched enough hentai.”
McCullough reportedly tried using pick up lines in Japanese, which failed miserably. The girl, who asked not to be identified, stated that she felt ‘violated’ and that western anime fans like McCullough are ‘losers who know nothing about my people’.
She also stated that this incident provoked her to take action by dropping out of University of Changshan and finish her Medical Science degree in her hometown of Osaka.
PORTLAND, OR – A midnight premiere of the Disney movie Zootopia went horribly awry at an AMC 24 Cinema in suburban Portland as a furry orgy broke out in the auditorium halfway through the screening of the film. Leading to a widespread panic for moviegoers that were there to see the film and have a fun night out. Initial 911 calls reported ‘high-pitched howling’ erupting from the upper half of the room, but the disruption made its way throughout the theater.
The furries were forced into a mating ritual when the two anthropomorphic
animals on screen embraced, triggering chemicals in their brain to start the orgy. It was reported that as many as 50 people were in the orgy. Ranging from naked individuals to people dressed in fursuits. It was said that the combined body odor and seminal fluids was enough to force police to respond with a hazardous materials crew.
Paramedics transported three people to the hospital for shock and contact with bodily fluids. While 23 furries were arrested and booked for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. AMC 24 remains closed as crews attempt to clean up the mess made by the incident. Zootopia will be screened at nearby cinemas normally. Neomongolian authorities have beefed up security at all cinemas in the country and are barring furries from entering them.
CHANGSHAN, CH – Controversial internet sensation SoFloAntonio was arrested today during customs at Changshan International Airport for grand theft. Antonio has been banned from entering the Republic of Neomongolia since late 2015. Immigration officials have stated he was detained initially for illegally entering the country, and would have been sent on the next flight back to Los Angeles. But a pat-down search and quick look through his baggage allowed an arrest to be made.
Immigration Enforcement seized over 65,000 dollars in cash that was reportedly made off of licensing prank videos, vines, and reuploaded viral content. Officials also seized two USB drives, one SD card, and three Apple devices. All of which contained gigabytes of stolen content, thousands of videos which he reportedly watched ’17 times’, and Skype conversations where threatened to sue people who commentated about his actions.
SoFloAntonio has been subject to a lot of controversy online, mainly due to stealing videos from other content creators and reuploading them. Usually garnering 500% more
views than the original videos. Antonio has also made numerous prank videos where he is involved in sexual encounters with women he sees in public. Most of the pranks on his channel, however, are reuploaded. When approached by NNN about this, he merely responded with “pranks are licensed under my name, it’s my trademark and I can make money off of it. It’s a partnership”
Antonio is currently at the Changshan County Jail, where he is being held without bond. YouTuber and comedian Ethan Klein will be a key witness in the case as it moves forward. If convicted, Antonio can face up to 17 years in prison.
SANTA CLARA, CA – In a shocking turn of events, Turkish superstar Koksal Baba has been snubbed of his solo performance at the Super Bowl 50 halftime show. Which lead to outrage among fans eagerly watching the game via telecast in Istanbul. This anticipation was met with sheer disappointment as Coldplay, Beyonce, and Bruno Mars were playing instead of him.
Baba, however, wasn’t completely shelved from performing. A fan with a key eye from Flatcrest spotted him in the Coldplay performance as a backup dancer. Which was met with rejoice by Turkish fans, who spotted him after clearing the fog in their eyes from being up so late. Baba was seen dancing off beat alongside perfectly dressed women who accompanied the lip-synced songs. Even with Baba’s mismatched attire, he was hard to spot due to how small he is.
After the show, Baba reportedly started a fight with Coldplay lead Chris Martin and Bruno Mars, who he stood eye to eye with.
CHANGSHAN, CH – As the WWE pay-per-view event draws near, speculations are running wild that Chinkus, President of Neomongolia, will fight every single member of the Brony fandom at ‘Wrestlemania 32’ in Dallas, TX. However, will this actually happen?
No it won’t.
Even me, a journalist typing this article in my office on the 75th floor of the NNN HQ building knows that Chinkus won’t do this.
One, he isn’t signed to WWE, so he cannot appear as a talent for their company. Two, he isn’t a wrestler at all, so he is unable to properly work a match without breaking his neck or the neck of his opponent(s). Three, there are about 10 million Bronies give or take so fighting them all within in a 4 hour window is physically impossible. Even for Chinkus, even with his brother Dr Phuc, even with his entire family. It is impossible. I doubt you can even fit 10 million people in the staging area and ring of the AT&T Stadium.