AKRON, OH – Akron residents were awoken by the sounds of disgruntled screaming, incoherent rants about the government, and metal crashing early Monday morning. The cause of the commotion was later revealed to be coming from the residence of 37-year-old mechanic Derek Reynolds.
Police say that Reynolds was supposedly paranoid that the CIA was wiretapping his home using his everyday appliances. Reynolds, who shared links to conspiracy websites on social media, was slowly caving from mental pressure for a long time. Distancing himself from friends and family, who he believed were government sleeper agents.
These paranoid assumptions culminated at around 7:45 am Monday morning when he unplugged appliance in his house. Which included a toaster, his oven, a microwave, a refrigerator, and a coffee maker; as well as all of his electronic devices and took them to his backyard before destroying them all with a tire iron. Around 30 minutes into the disturbance, neighbors decided to call the police.
Police arrived and detained Reynolds to take him to a psychiatric hospital, before he was declared sane and transferred to jail. He posted 2,000 dollars bond and was released.
EVEREST, NT – A small town is reeling from a tragic drunk driving accident that left a high school senior, Thomas Wadsworth, dead. With many people mourning the loss of a ‘bright student’ and ‘star athlete’. His family and girlfriend mourn the loss of what they said was a caring, happy, and generous person, and that is the only thing the local news showed.
However, many people are doing quite the opposite. Expressing conflicted feelings about the teen’s death due to the fact he was a dick when he was alive.
“I feel for his family and all,” a classmate told NNN today, “But that piece of shit stole 20 dollars from me to buy booze.”
“I don’t care how he died that guy hacked my PSN and stole my DLC.” another classmate told us. “He can burn in hell for that man.”
Many people are now scared to speak out on the dirt they have on Wadsworth, questioning their moral standing on it, considering he died in a horrific car accident. Which was caused by an intoxicated man that jumped the median on Neomongolian Federal Highway 223 around 8pm Wednesday. The driver was going close to 120 kilometers per hour when he collided head-on with Wadsworth’s vehicle. Who was transported via LifeFlight to Changshan General Hospital, where he died 4 hours later.
PLYMOUTH, UK – A 17-year-old teen, who asked not be named, is on edge today after his country voted to leave the European Union in a historic referendum. Angrily posting memes that agree with his friends, who have stated that leaving the EU would be a terrible thing. Rather than picking a side via research, his political opinion on the matter was strongly influenced by millennial Twitter users, who strongly supported the ‘remain’ side.
“They’re all racist,” the teen tweeted out, “we should stay in the EU so we can reap the economic benefits of it. Fucking old ppl don’t know shit.”
Ironically, he was too young to vote during the election, which makes his complaints about the outcome null and void.
DENVER, CO – After a devastating loss to Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries, Bernie Sanders supporters have been left scattered. Some are choosing to vote for Donald Trump in order to prevent a Clinton presidency, some have decided to stay on the left lane and vote Clinton, some even decided not to vote. However, there are some who are being pulled toward third party candidates like Jill Stein and Gary Johnson. Many are choosing Jill Stein, where long time supporters of her and the Green Party welcome them with open arms.
Among these supporters is Samuel Freeman, a 37-year-old coffee shop barista from Denver, who is quite pleased with the influx of downtrodden Sanders supporters. Freeman, who has supported Stein for the past 12 years, sees this as their golden opportunity.
“She could finally get on the polls,” Freeman told NNN enthusiastically, “which means she has a chance of winning this election.”
Freeman has always had his hopes up that Jill Stein will get the staggering 5% approval rating in the polls needed for her to get any traction in the campaign. However, this has not happened in the past election cycles where Jill Stein has tried (and failed) to run for president.
Optimism is truly the only thing left on Freeman’s side in this rocky election cycle. As Stein’s chances of becoming President of the United States has remained relatively the same, slim to none.
BURLINGTON, VT – After being defeated in the final Super Tuesday primaries of the season, Bernie Sanders has accepted that he lost his chance at seizing the Democratic election, and returned to the Twin Rivers Manor in Southern Burlington. Much to the disappointment of his followers, who complained on Twitter about his loss rather than actually voting for him.
“It just feels good to relax.” Sanders says as he sips on a cup of tea and reads the morning paper for the first time in months. Sanders has not been in the facility since he started his campaign back in April 2015, concerning staff.
“He’s pretty senile and that’s pretty evident based off his campaign.” Henry Wellington, director of the manor stated, “all the free stuff policies and stuff. He’s trying to relive his hippy days in college.”
Sanders got beaten hard in Super Tuesday, with a not so surprising defeat at the hands of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in several states, including the crucial California. Post-race plans for the elderly senator are uncertain, but it is likely to include sitting by a pond playing chess with other retirees for the remainder of his life.
BALTIMORE, MD– City officials have had a field day today looking for ways to handle the massive convention for fans of the show “My Little Pony”, which is going to be held in the city’s convention center next month. Citing many issues with conventions of the type, such as the anime convention that was shut down over body odor in Flatcrest. The summer heat and humidity of Baltimore has strengthened this concern.
“We get 90 degree days on average this time of year, and it’s usually very humid.” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake stated in a press conference today, “we will make sure that the sweat released from this convention does not pose a threat to public safety.”
Air conditioning companies are planning on using a state-of-the-art, experimental system in the convention center called ‘PERSPICOOL’, which uses evaporating sweat to power the A/C. This will hopefully keep the sweat from causing any safety risks in the convention center.
Baltimore police will be handing out deodorant and those who refuse to apply a deodorant or antiperspirant will be fined 500 dollars. The city will try to prevent a catastrophe for residents of Baltimore and convention attendees alike.
HAWTHORNE, CH – Disgruntled fast wood workers were upset over their wages today after receiving their monthly paychecks. This comes after the same employees of a local burger joint believed a prank call which made them destroy half the windows of the building.
“It’s an outrage that we don’t get a decent living wage of 15, 16 dollars an hour,” Lindsay Simmons, assistant fry cook said, “I have to deal with rent and putting food on the table.”
However, she has proven that her worthiness in the work field is lower than the delegate counts of Bernie Sanders after smashing several windows on May 29th. At around 11 in the evening that night, a person phoned in claiming to be “Corporate” saying that “Our safety systems have detected a high amount of methane in the kitchen” and that the employees should “use tools to break the windows.”
Ms. Simmons, who took the call, reportedly picked up a chair and hit a window, ordering others to do the same. The owner of the restaurant has declined to comment, but damages are estimated to be around 12,000 dollars.
The business is locally owned, with 3 locations and no corporate offices. Police are looking for the prank caller, but have not had any leads.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was admitted into a Indianapolis psychiatric facility today after a devastating loss to Donald Trump in the Indiana primaries. Sources say that Ted Cruz went into a catatonic state after delivering his farewell address, reading passages from the book of Revelation and dousing himself in maple syrup. Paramedics were called to his tour bus and rushed him to Indianapolis Psychiatric Hospital. Coincidentally, he was placed in the same room as Jeb Bush, who is undergoing long term care for PTSD after his failed campaign. Bush was transferred to the facility in mid-April after doctors in South Carolina could not handle his rambling.
The two men reportedly got along quite well, doctors are telling us that Ted Cruz has been stabilized and is now discussing how to take down the ‘big mean Trump man’ with Jeb Bush. Bush, who is due for release in August, is considering running for president alongside Ted Cruz in the near future.
Jeb Bush was placed on suicide watch in February, and has been in care ever since. Doctor Michael Franco, a psychiatrist at the facility says that Cruz was the best thing to happen to Bush.
“He’s been mumbling to himself all the time before we took on our new patient,” Franco said, “Sometimes delivering speeches and begging a non-existent audience to clap for him. We don’t know if it’s a PTSD flashback or early stage schizophrenia, but we are currently running tests.”
There is no word on when Cruz will be released, but doctors say it could be several months to a year.
HAWTHRONE, CH – Confusion turned to chaos yesterday as a local furry found in his parents’ basement was brought to a veterinarian and euthanized. However, it was not intentional. Gabriel Hernandez, a 56 year old man, was clearing out his basement around 4:00pm Tuesday afternoon when he found a large creature with matted fur and urine/feces on its body. Thinking that he discovered an ill mastiff that had somehow gotten into his residence, Hernandez called animal control.
When animal control arrived, they transported the slovenly fursuiter to Hawthorne Veterinary Urgent Care, still under the assumption that they were transporting a 6-foot-1, 190 pound mastiff to its death. When they arrived, a vet examined the furry and found fleas, a UTI, rashes, and matted fur. He was in such terrible shape that they decided to put the poor creature down.
“We didn’t have any idea that it was some guy in a costume,” the vet said, “everything went by the book and he died a humane, peaceful death.”
Joshua Hernandez, aged 19, was revealed to be the man underneath the costume, which was removed during the autopsy. Leaving medical staff and the man’s parents at a loss for words. Police have opened an investigation but charges are unlikely to be filed as it was a ‘sincere mistake’ or a ‘freak accident’.
Furry forums worldwide are yet to hear about this, but when they do, I’m pretty sure there will be riots angry posts in all caps.
CHANGSHAN, NM – A local man has been having a lot of laughs today as his favorite holiday is celebrated. 62 year old Robert Sterling thinks that he’s a pretty good comedian and that all of his jokes are original and practical. Last year, he managed to get several of his friends by “Rick Rolling” them.
This year, he’s going to prank his friends at Meadow Falls Retirement Center by sending them an email with a link to a news article concerning Michael Jackson’s death.
“They’re gonna be so shocked. I think a couple of them are gonna have a heart attack!” An enthusiastic Sterling told NNN. “Don’t blame me though! -laughs-”
We couldn’t break the news that Michael Jackson died for real in 2009. I guess the internet isn’t for an old egg like him.