SEATTLE, WA – Surprise and shock swept over the state of Washington this afternoon as Bernie Sanders wins the state’s primary by a 3/1 ratio over Hillary Clinton.
There is actually no surprise there.
Bernie Sanders appeals to the crowd of Washington residents who prefer to stay away from the mainstream candidates, and usually choose who to vote for by “how dank their memes are”. It is no surprise a state that is full of people who believe that the Bernie Sanders meme groups are humorous would chose him in the primaries.
The real surprise here is that hipsters, millennials, and other internet supporters actually turned out to vote at all. Rather than sitting at home typing multi-page rants on how Democratic Socialism and European-style governance will save the United States and how Donald Trump is an evil Nazi who will kill Mexicans, they voted. They actually left the comfort of their studio apartment, rode a bicycle to the nearest polling place, waited in line, and cast a vote.
SEATTLE, WA- Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders is feeling the Bern today as his core demographic may not turn out for him during the essential Washington state primaries. Sanders supporters, mostly college students, are currently on spring break. Which means they will be out of state and likely getting too drunk or high in Florida to care about politics at all.
That doesn’t mean Bernie Sanders is losing any millennial supporters, we caught up with a partygoer in Miami who was quite stunned that he couldn’t vote for Bernie in his state’s primary while being out of state.
“What do you mean I can’t vote in the primary? I’m from Everett, born and raised!” The confused student, who asked not to be named told us “I could vote for him here in Florida!”
Florida has already had its primaries, which Clinton already won.
The remaining Sanders supporters in Washington decided not to vote as they stick to the belief that all elections are rigged.
HAWTHORNE, CH – Die-hard anime fan Tod McCullough has had a very rough day today as his date with a Japanese girl he met online did not live up to the standards that were set for him by his favorite fictional characters. McCullough met the 22 year-old Japanese exchange student on the online dating service Tinder. They conversed for a few short minutes before the man became visibly upset and left the coffee shop where the two agreed to meet up.
“I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, she didn’t look anything like my waifus. None of them. She didn’t have any tits, no ass, nothing.” a distraught McCullough bellowed in front of a camcorder to his 56 YouTube followers. “I thought all Japanese girls would be willing and open to my advances of sexual favors. I’ve watched enough hentai.”
McCullough reportedly tried using pick up lines in Japanese, which failed miserably. The girl, who asked not to be identified, stated that she felt ‘violated’ and that western anime fans like McCullough are ‘losers who know nothing about my people’.
She also stated that this incident provoked her to take action by dropping out of University of Changshan and finish her Medical Science degree in her hometown of Osaka.
MIAMI, FL – Republican presidential candidate and computer program Marco Rubio has officially stopped working after his defeat in Florida. This wasn’t surprising as cracks in his operating system were showing at a Republican presidential debate earlier this year when he kept repeating himself concerning President Obama. The presidential candidate has officially suspended his campaign, proving once again that computer programs are far away from taking over Humanity.
It is unknown if the robot will be programmed to endorse Donald Trump after his loss in Florida. When asked about his endorsement at a press release, Rubio responded by blue screening and going into an infinite boot loop.
The failing Android is set to be taken to New Jersey to be dismantled and smelted by Chris Christie. Donald Trump insists that the robot’s developers were “low energy” and “total losers” before winning Florida by a landslide.
PORTLAND, OR – A midnight premiere of the Disney movie Zootopia went horribly awry at an AMC 24 Cinema in suburban Portland as a furry orgy broke out in the auditorium halfway through the screening of the film. Leading to a widespread panic for moviegoers that were there to see the film and have a fun night out. Initial 911 calls reported ‘high-pitched howling’ erupting from the upper half of the room, but the disruption made its way throughout the theater.
The furries were forced into a mating ritual when the two anthropomorphic
animals on screen embraced, triggering chemicals in their brain to start the orgy. It was reported that as many as 50 people were in the orgy. Ranging from naked individuals to people dressed in fursuits. It was said that the combined body odor and seminal fluids was enough to force police to respond with a hazardous materials crew.
Paramedics transported three people to the hospital for shock and contact with bodily fluids. While 23 furries were arrested and booked for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. AMC 24 remains closed as crews attempt to clean up the mess made by the incident. Zootopia will be screened at nearby cinemas normally. Neomongolian authorities have beefed up security at all cinemas in the country and are barring furries from entering them.
SAN JOSE, CA – Running low on ideas an aspiring journalist, Michael Schuster, decided to write an op-ed piece expressing his distaste for the viewpoints and success of Republican front-runner Donald Trump. However, his twelve paragraph rant on the man’s remarks and antics couldn’t drive home his point enough. So he enlisted the help of a screenshot from a Trump rally, in which the man makes a humorous looking face.
“That’ll show him,” Schuster whispered under his breath as he attached the file to his WordPress account, “his campaign will be in bits when I post this one.”
Schuster’s article, titledTrump is a Racist and So Are You, was posted onto his BuzzFeed community account early this morning following Trump’s sweep of 7 states in the Super Tuesday primaries. The Berkeley graduate was quick on the story, as he finished his article on a 2013 MacBook Pro decorated with a Bernie Sanders sticker in a record time of 51 minutes. This time was accounted to his repeated ad hominem attacks and, you guessed it, funny, smug images of the candidate screenshotted from his appearances.
BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders was saddened today after failing miserably at Super Tuesday. Sanders was seen entering his 1968 VW Minibus and hitting the road after vomiting profusely behind the arena.
Sanders was said to have gotten 2nd place in the Super Tuesday Taco Smackdown, but failed to defeat “Giant” Gino Gonzalez, Who ate a record 140 tacos in the span of 7 minutes.
As for the political Super Tuesday. Yeah, he lost that too.
VERMONT, USA – Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is set to dominate Super Tuesday this week. As the socialist candidate prepares for the biggest moment of his political career, no scratch that, his life. Sanders has prepared for years to take all competition down and cement his legacy.
Sanders is set to compete in the Super Tuesday Taco Smackdown, which takes place at the Gutterson Fieldhouse in Burlington, Vermont in front of around 4,500 enthusiastic attendees. The Taco eating contest is something that Sanders has trained for since 2008. After a humiliating loss at the 5th annual event in 2006. He has been eating 50 tacos a day for the past year in his final stage of training. However, he credits kale and some supplements to being the key of keeping his metabolism in check.
“I will do better this time,” Sanders said, “I have prepared for years. I can now eat 500 tacos in 10 minutes.”
The winner of the 10 minute contest will receive 50,000 dollars as well as praise for being a gluttonous pig.
As for the political Super Tuesday, Sanders is likely going to lose to Hillary Clinton during the Democratic Primaries this evening.
Let’s all hope Bernie can score the win and be Vermont’s hometown king of gluttony.