CONCORD, NH – Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush was seen being checked into a local psychiatric hospital earlier today ahead of the first primary of the 2016 United States election season. This unexpected turn of events was triggered by Bush’s paranoia of his guaranteed defeat at the primaries tonight, which would probably be the swan song to his campaign, that officially played in an embarrassing rally.
Even though the swan song played long before the “please clap” incident, just don’t tell him that, you’ll trigger his already crippling depression.
Bush was said to have been placed on suicide watch as his campaign is derailed by other Republican candidates. Nurses have told NNN that he was last seen in a hospital room chanting “Jeb Bush 2020! 2024! 2028? 2032…” while crying into a Guaca-Bowle.
His campaign spokesperson declined to comment about the situation.
CHANGSHAN, CH – Rumors in the inner workings of leadership in Neomongolia are suggesting that Neomongolian Premier Dr. Phuc will be attending BronyCon this year in Baltimore, MD, which takes place on July 8th through 10th of this year. His attendance is scheduled for a taping of his new show Dr. Phuc Philes, an analytic series diving into current pop culture issues and topics. The show has yet to premiere, but will within the coming weeks.
Phuc’s brother, Chinkus, may also attend. But his view on Bronies are speculated by the public to be unfavorable. Considering he went into a drunken rage at a Brony convention in Neomongolia last May.
Security will not be beefed up at the convention if Dr. Phuc attends as he is nothing to this country compared to his brother. Dr Phuc has yet to confirm these rumors.
FORT COLLINS, CO- The US general election season is in full swing. However, support for presidential hopeful Jeb Bush is dwindling. After an embarrassing rally in which Bush requested an audience of roughly 50 people in a slightly crowded conference room to applaud his speech, leading to a few golf claps. The speech was also underwhelming, sounding like it was delivered by a shy teenage boy with Asperger’s.
However, that doesn’t mean Jeb Bush wasn’t applauded. Peter Noble, a man living in his mother’s basement, gave a standing ovation for Jeb’s speech while watching a Youtube video of it in the comfort of his own home.
The 34-year-old unemployed computer scientist supported Jeb Bush for many years, stating that he is a very “strong and courageous man” who “made a name for himself and got married, can interact with other people, and can produce a steady income” all three of which Noble cannot do.
Noble’s basement was unkempt and unprepared for our interview, citing health issues like a “Guaca-Bowle” which was filled with cigarette buds and urine. When asked about the bowl, Noble refused to comment.
CHANGSHAN, CH – Events in the capital city today were tense after India’s space program, ISRO, launched another unmanned space probe to the lunar surface. Despite India’s denial, Neomongolian scientists speculate that the probe was full of feces rather than instruments used to study the moon itself. The ISRO continues to swear at our reporters whenever we call them.
“We think this is a terraforming attempt on India’s part, to create a
methane based atmosphere similar to India itself.” Michael Carone, Director of PR at NMSA said, “This is a serious issue that could impact our missions to the moon in the future”
Neomongolia’s manned mission to the moon, SELENE V, will launch sometime in August as planned. However, the astronauts are undergoing extra training to insure their safety on what could be a feces covered moon.