FORT COLLINS, CO- The US general election season is in full swing. However, support for presidential hopeful Jeb Bush is dwindling. After an embarrassing rally in which Bush requested an audience of roughly 50 people in a slightly crowded conference room to applaud his speech, leading to a few golf claps. The speech was also underwhelming, sounding like it was delivered by a shy teenage boy with Asperger’s.
However, that doesn’t mean Jeb Bush wasn’t applauded. Peter Noble, a man living in his mother’s basement, gave a standing ovation for Jeb’s speech while watching a Youtube video of it in the comfort of his own home.
The 34-year-old unemployed computer scientist supported Jeb Bush for many years, stating that he is a very “strong and courageous man” who “made a name for himself and got married, can interact with other people, and can produce a steady income” all three of which Noble cannot do.
Noble’s basement was unkempt and unprepared for our interview, citing health issues like a “Guaca-Bowle” which was filled with cigarette buds and urine. When asked about the bowl, Noble refused to comment.
CHANGSHAN, CH – As the WWE pay-per-view event draws near, speculations are running wild that Chinkus, President of Neomongolia, will fight every single member of the Brony fandom at ‘Wrestlemania 32’ in Dallas, TX. However, will this actually happen?
No it won’t.
Even me, a journalist typing this article in my office on the 75th floor of the NNN HQ building knows that Chinkus won’t do this.
One, he isn’t signed to WWE, so he cannot appear as a talent for their company. Two, he isn’t a wrestler at all, so he is unable to properly work a match without breaking his neck or the neck of his opponent(s). Three, there are about 10 million Bronies give or take so fighting them all within in a 4 hour window is physically impossible. Even for Chinkus, even with his brother Dr Phuc, even with his entire family. It is impossible. I doubt you can even fit 10 million people in the staging area and ring of the AT&T Stadium.
CHANGSHAN, CH – Events in the capital city today were tense after India’s space program, ISRO, launched another unmanned space probe to the lunar surface. Despite India’s denial, Neomongolian scientists speculate that the probe was full of feces rather than instruments used to study the moon itself. The ISRO continues to swear at our reporters whenever we call them.
“We think this is a terraforming attempt on India’s part, to create a
methane based atmosphere similar to India itself.” Michael Carone, Director of PR at NMSA said, “This is a serious issue that could impact our missions to the moon in the future”
Neomongolia’s manned mission to the moon, SELENE V, will launch sometime in August as planned. However, the astronauts are undergoing extra training to insure their safety on what could be a feces covered moon.
Turkish pop megastar Koksal Baba has seen major success in his homeland. However, he will play on the biggest stage of his career Sunday evening during the Super Bowl’s halftime show. Replacing all the other lip syncing, plastic surgery enhanced, and talentless pop stars that usually grace the stage on this big night.
Koksal Baba is a humble man, usually singing acapella in front of beachside audiences.
When asked by NNN about this career-changing night, Baba responded with a high-pitched “FROSUISEEEE”, accompanied by several swift kicks to our reporter’s legs.